She's Just Not That In To You

Well Valentines weekend treated us all very well.  So well, that we've taken a few weeks to collect the stories of our sexual shenanigans.

To give you first an update of our hood lover (from the previous blog): Once we got this little guy to come out of his shell (no pun intended), it was quite the ride. Actually, it’s been quite the ride for some time now.  He’s actually dating material.  But, we don't want to go into detail on dating material guys.

An update on another one of our authors: She’s had quite the month.  She has (well actually, had) two guys that are date-able and one that is bone-able.  So, it’s Friday night and we’re debating going out.  We’re convinced to go out because 3 of our non-bone-able, non-date-able friends said they’d pay for our every move.  And they did.  So at about 11:00: a pregame, 2 cab rides and 2 bars later, our total $ spent is 0$ and our drink count is: shots of fireball, a few glasses of wine and 3 vodka sodas.  We're well on our way to being blacked out. So in her words:

 My memory starts to fade at this point and when I say fade, I mean it falls fast, like going down the Intimidator at Kings Dominion.  I run into Maurice, my x-sexfriend's best friend.  Maurice is from this past summer.  He was bone-able, but not date-able (Maurice had a girlfriend).  Anyway, so I run into Maurice’s best friend so of course I start texting Maurice in my black out…not a good idea.

While all of this is going on, I've also been texting Dante (bone-able).  So he's bojangling at a bar down the street as I try to get him to come to me.  So I text him “If you come, I will give you a smooch.”  Now this is where it get’s funny.  Actually I’m not sure it’s funny, but my girlfriend witnesses this whole thing (obviously I can’t recall - I’m black out remember)?  So Dante finally makes his moves over and I go to find him.  The normal thing to do is say hi, go grab a beer and introduce him to my girlfriends.  Who has time for that?  Instead, we skip intro’s and start tickling each other’s tonsils.  Also, apparently between make out sessions I manage to give Maurice's best friend my number (who by the way, is a professional football player and looks like Taylor Lautner).

So Dante and I decide to head to my house. We get lost and take a 20 minute detour as well as a pit stop for me to toss my cookies.  We get home and the last thing I remember is him walking in on me changing my tampon.  We may have made out, but I’m really not sure.  Oh and if we did, I definitely didn't brush my teeth prior to the make out sesh.

Saturday morning comes too soon and I have to get up and get ready for my day date with Jabaar (date-able but not bone-able). So I take Dante home and get ready for my day date with Jabaar. I was so hung over, I could barely hold a conversation and we fast forwarded our date and ended early.

Friday night festivities + Saturday morning day date and I’m still at $0 spending.  I am however, up one bacterial infection from somehow injecting 2 tampons while guy #2 was watching.

Update on me: I decide to give a date-able, not bone-able friend a chance.  We watched a movie and I decided it was OK for him to sleep over.  Bad idea, terrible.  His feet sweat so badly, they soaked the entire bottom of the bed.  Really?  That’s disgusting.  So naturally, I’m over it.  Oh, and this past weekend I made out with my engaged work friend who I somehow have the hotts for.  And I want to do it again… #workdesklockerroomfantasies

So instead of spending the night with any of the guys above…we all have our computers on our laps, phones out, texting our bone-able guys because we wouldn't give the date-able guys a chance. 

Hood Love

It’s Wednesday night, the eve of the world’s most fabricated holiday which celebrates the union of two souls.  I’m sitting on the couch with my roommate, as our spoons take the plunge into the Biscoff spread, we’re considering our Valentines plans. 

I decided to poll my closest female felines:

One decides to avoid facebook and all other forms of social media in an attempt to avoid seeing the obnoxious PDAs.  Sadly we all know she’ll cave midmorning, grab a cup of jo and enviously scan her newsfeed.

Dogs.  Two of us spoke of our dogs.  We love them. And they love us - better than any man will (well, right now that’s how we feel…because we’re on what # of our timeline, 6?  Give us a few months and when we’re swimming in boys, we’ll forget the dog and ask our neighbor to let out him out for us).  Tonight though, ladies, please let that little red rocket in your bed.

To save the best for last, we’ve got a weinner.  I hope you can decode what’s necessary.

Well I woke up next to a boy this morning… So THAT was the start of my V-day.  Let’s start this story by telling you I got home from work to find a V-day card in my mailbox from a guy that I have only known for 13 days. (Well done, sir)... I decided that I wanted a spooning partner and possibly a **** sesh before I left for my trip. (Yes that is correct; I get to spend my V-day with 45 high schoolers on an 8 hour bus ride. Something about that just screams Love is in the Air!) Anyway, this young man came to my apartment at 11pm with candy hearts (well done, again). OK fast forward to night time...

My presumptions were correct…he is not circumcised. (I wish I could see your reaction is to this) [Side note: When I was at his house on Monday and we were about to do the dirty, we stopped b/c he didn’t have a C (this man has kids…so it’s proven he is fertile). Anyway, I touched it and THOUGHT it could have been what I expected].  Well, last night this was proven accurate. When we started to fool around, he stopped me and said "I need to tell you something" and I was like "I already know and I don’t care" and then he just got really weird...so I tried to go south and yea, that didn’t work out.. so he told me he doesn’t like bj’s... (Really?? what guy doesn’t like bj’s?!) and then s*it just got real weird after that.. so I am hoping the awkwardness of "dudes got some extra skin" has passed and I can finally bang him next time I see him... THEN I can decide if this guy STAYS or GOES.

Which leads me to next our topic of conversation for next week:  Thank you Moses for inventing the bris.

Cycle of a Single Lady

I think this just about sums it up. 

Being single in your 20s... (late 20s)
1. Being single is awesome, I can do whatever the hell I want
2. Im going to be slutty and hook up with everyone
3. Being single sucks.. I need a man
4. Im not going to hook up with anyone until I find the right guy
5. Fuck it... im going to say YES to anyone who asks me out on a date
6. (this is about the time you have 5 dudes at once, but NONE of them are any type of guy youre into)
7. Then... its back to no guys..
8. REPEAT... Being single is awesome